Words, they used to come so easily to me but the last month or two it feels as if they have run dry. I write letters in my mind, during work, just let my thoughts wander and write. But when I sit before this blank screen, the words fly out of my head like birds scattering before me.
It feels kind of like I am trying to pin down a cloud, which as most of you know is quite impossible. So I am allowing my thoughts to wander tonight, writing whatever comes to my mind…see what comes to the surface.
You see, it takes a while to open up…even to a page on a computer. And this past year I have found myself going deeper into my own thoughts, not letting other people see them. I find myself trying to stay busy almost all the time, keep my mind preoccupied with different tasks, or books, or barn work or talk to people when those things don’t work.
People ask about Serbia, wanting to hear about my trip. And to be honest, it was amazing, hard, emotional, draining and not something I can put into words right now. I have tried, almost every day I find myself writing a letter in my head talking about it. To talk about the kids in my class that I came to love so much, thinking about all the amazing people I met at the local church we worked with. And to be honest my heart hurts to think about it because I miss them all and I just don’t want to go there yet. I will, I want to, I want to share about it because God worked in such amazing, beautiful, crazy, brilliant and awe-inspiring ways.
I want to share about my crazy, funny, brilliant, loving, hard working and God honoring team that I served with and became friends with, but that also brings up memories that make me miss our time in Serbia.
But this isn’t about Serbia, that is just what happened to float across my brain at this moment. To be honest, I have been wrestling with myself a lot…I told a good friend today I kind of feel like Jacob wrestling with God in the tent…but I am not only wrestling God but myself. I have written and erased words about 3 times now for this part, trying to decide how much I should share and how much I shouldn’t share. It is much easier for me to share on a platform such as this, because right now as I write this…it is just me, a computer and a keyboard. No people in front of me, no pressure, no thought really except what is flowing from my fingers onto the keys.
I think in all of this long winded writing…what I have been trying to say all along is that God has me in a challenging place right now in my life. I have been in challenging places with Him before, so that isn’t a new thing. But this time, I am struggling to trust even my own thought process or understanding of where He is leading me or what He is working through with me. And now I am feeling self-conscious writing this out hahaha.
I am not writing this or even sharing this for attention or to be asked how I am. Just…writing to write…to see what comes out.
Something that has been of comfort to me lately is 2 Samuel chapter 22. There are two elements I love to that chapter…how King David portrays how the LORD responds to our prayers and what King David can do because God is with him. And the second is one tiny part that says “because He delighted in me”. That struck me so deeply, that God…the one who created me…comes to my aid…”brought me out into a broad place” because He delights in little ol’ me. Not because I deserve it, not because I did a single thing to earn it…but because I believe of His deep love for me…His daughter. I guess what you could say I have been wrestling with is going into a deeper relationship with God, with my Abba Father. By trusting Him even further, trusting in His goodness, His grace, His discipline, His…delight in me….His great love for me.
I have been learning how deeply my distrust goes and that is a hard thing to see…mainly because of how much I LOVE God and to see that there are still parts I guard and still parts that I try to hide from Him…is hard. It is hard because it pricks my pride, I want to be further in my walk with God…to be able to fully trust Him. But something else I have been struggling with is giving myself grace…forgiving myself for not being “perfect”. What I mean by this…is being okay and giving myself grace at being in a constant state of being refined, grown and challenged in my walk with Him. Which I am starting to really understand is a stumbling block for me and something I am working to remedy.
Bravo if you made it this far! I haven’t written or posted anything like this in a LONG time! So as you all know, I am a long winded gal when I want to be and this is your long winded, rather all over the place, letter.
Maybe something I wrote struck a cord in you, maybe it pricked something, maybe it made you laugh, or made you think…or made you not want to read all of it *snickers*. But hey, you made it! Bravo!
And a challenge for you, go read 2 Samuel chapter 22…and let me know how it speaks to you. I am curious to know :).